How many incidents that occurred in our childhood days do we still remember up until today, be they happy or sad memories? Think about your childhood and no doubt you will remember the day you received a certificate of achievement at school, or when someone praised you in a public gathering, and so on.
Many people today view manners in a commercial light. To them, only rich people’s jokes are worth laughing at, and only their faults are considered small and worthy of overlooking. As for the poor, their jokes are unbearable and only worthy of ridicule, while their faults are magnified and they are shouted down. As for the Prophet , his kindness extended to both rich and poor alike.
These skills give us physical pleasure, and I do not mean by this the pleasure of the Hereafter only. Rather, it is that pleasure one actually feels in this world. So enjoy these skills and practise them with the old, young, rich, poor, near or far. Use these skills with them in order to guard yourself from their harm, to earn their love, or to rectify them. ‘Ali bin al-Jahm was a very eloquent poet, but he was a Bedouin. The only life he knew was the desert life. The Caliph, al-Mutawakkil, was very powerful. People would go to visit him and return with whatever they wished. One day, ‘Ali bin al-Jahm entered Baghdad and it was said to him, “Whoever praises the Caliph is bestowed with honour and gifts.” ‘Ali became excited and went to the Caliph’s palace. There he saw the poets reciting their poems in praise of the Caliph and returning with gifts. Al-Mutawakkil was known for his authority, awe and power. ‘Ali began to praise the Caliph with a poem in which he likened him…
You will become the most proficient in using the various skills in dealing with others when you treat everyone in such a way that he thinks of himself as the most beloved of all people to yourself. For instance, you should treat your mother so grandly that she begins to think you have never treated anyone in such a fine manner. You can say the same about the way you should deal with your father, your wife, your children, and your colleagues. In fact, you can say the same about someone you meet only once, such as a shopkeeper, or a petrol station attendant. You could get all these people to agree that you are the most beloved of all to them, if only you can make them feel that they are the most beloved of all to you!
Why is it that some people’s discussions end in argument while others may discuss the same subject and end their discussion in a friendly manner? It has everything to do with the skills of holding a discussion. Why is it that when two people deliver the same sermon with the same words, you find that among the audience of the first person someone is yawning or sleeping, another is playing with a prayer mat, and others are repeatedly shifting, whilst the audience listening to the second are listening attentively to the sermon, such that they cannot even blink an eyelid nor of what is being said? It has everything to do with oratory skills. Why is it when so-and-so speaks in a gathering, everyone listens to him attentively and focuses on him, whereas when someone else speaks, they began to talk about other side issues and start reading their text messages? It has everything to do with the skills of verbal communication.
Some people believe that the traits they have been nurtured on, which they are recognised by and which have left a certain impression about them on the minds of others can never be changed. They surrender to this thought, just as a person would surrender to the fact that he cannot change his height or skin colour. On the other hand, an intelligent person thinks that to change one’s nature can perhaps be easier than changing his clothes. Our nature is not like spilt milk that cannot be scooped up again. Rather, we are always in control of it and there are certain ways in which we can alter it, and even the way we think! Ibn Hazm mentions in his work Tawq al-Hamamah a tale of a famous Spanish businessman: There was competition between him and four other businessmen and as a result, they disliked him. They were therefore determined to aggravate him. One morning, he left his house to go to his workplace, wearing a white shirt and turban. One of the four businessmen met him on the way. He…
You sit with someone who is twenty years old and notice that he has particular etiquettes, logic and thought. You then sit with him when he is thirty to discover that he is exactly the way he was ten years ago and has not improved at all. Yet, you sit with others and you feel that they are actually taking benefit from their lives. You discover that they improve themselves on a daily basis. In fact, not an hour passes except that they improve either religiously or otherwise. If you wish to ponder upon the different types of people with respect to self-improvement, then think about the following: There are those who like to watch those satellite television channels that help their general knowledge and intelligence grow. They benefit from other people’s experiences by watching constructive discussions, from which they learn the characteristics of debating and improve their language, understanding, and expertise in debate and persuasion. Then there are those who cannot miss out on a…
I once visited a deprived town to deliver a lecture, after which there came to me a teacher from outside the town. He said, “I hope you can help us finance some students.” I said, “Strange! Aren’t the schools government funded, and therefore free?” He said, “Indeed they are, but we would like to fund their university education.” I said, “Well, the universities are also government funded. They even offer student grants.” He said, “Allow me to explain to you...” “Go ahead”, I said. He said, “Our students graduate from their secondary school with no less than 99%. They are so clever that if their intelligence was divided amongst the ummah, it would suffice! But when a student becomes determined to travel outside his town to study Medicine, Engineering, Islamic Law, Computer Science or anything else, his father prevents him from going, saying, ‘What you know is sufficient! Now, remain with me and be a shepherd!’” I screamed impulsively, “Be a
People generally tend to share their moments of happiness and sorrow. They are happy when they become wealthy. They will be joyous when promoted at work, content when they recover from illness, and cheerful when the world smiles at them and fulfils their dreams. Likewise, they all grieve over illness, disgrace and loss of wealth. Knowing this to be the case, let us look for ways in which to make our joy everlasting and hence overpower our sorrows. Yes, in reality life tends to be both sweet and bitter, and on this we would not disagree, but why do we often focus on our calamities and sorrows, and as a result become depressed for days on end? Where an hour is enough to grieve over something, hours on end are spent grieving. Why? I realise that sorrow and anguish enter our hearts without seeking permission, but for each door of sadness that opens there are a thousand means of shutting it, and these are what we will expound here. Allow me to bring your attention to another matter: How…
I remember once receiving a message on my mobile phone which read: “Dear Shaykh, what is the ruling on suicide?” I called the sender to find a very young man on the other end of the line. I said, “I am sorry, I didn’t understand your question. Can you please repeat your question?” He said with a grieving voice, “The question is clear. What is the ruling on suicide?” I decided to surprise him by saying in response something unexpected, so I said, “It is recommended!” He screamed, “What?!” I said, “How about if we discuss the best way for you to do it?” The young man fell silent. I said to him, “OK. Why do you want to commit suicide?” He said, “Because, I can’t find work. People do not love me. In fact, I am an utter failure...”, and thus he began to relate to me his long story in order to prove that he had failed to develop his interpersonal skills and was unsuccessful in utilising his talents. This is a problem with many people. Why do some of us…
